The Ultimatum - Get in Shape - Page 3

The Ultimatum - Get in Shape - Page 3

On Sunday morning our crew chief Larry and I parked in the alley behind Warner’s home. It was early in the day, an hour or so before the remodeling volunteers were scheduled to arrive. “You know Larry, I’d be relieved if you go to meet Warner. Chaos is about to descend on his home. You might want to see if he’s still expecting us to invade his townhouse to pound nails, scrape paint and make noise on this early Sunday morning. Let’s make sure that Warner is in good SHAPE before the worker bees arrive”. So Larry left the van in the alley and walked around to the front door while I waited for the ‘all clear’ sign to come on in. It was one of those moments in life when everything comes to a complete stop, like the scene in that sci-fi classic, ‘The Day the Earth Stood Still’ when Klaatu the alien freezes time to give humans a last chance to save themselves from mutually assured destruction, self- annihilation, nuclear war and the like. After twenty minutes or so, Larry came out the back door of Warner’s home, looking white as a ghost.

“What happened Larry?”

“Something bad,” he said.

“Did Warner have a heart attack?”

“No, worse”. “Did he die?”

“No, worse”.

“OK, he didn’t die or have a heart attack, what could be worse than that?”

“Around 7am, Warner got out of bed and went downstairs to fix breakfast. He went over to the kitchen stuff we had left in the corner and poured himself a glass of apple juice. The four ounces of fluid he drank was PineSol, not apple juice. He did manage to call 911 before he collapsed and the medics were wheeling him out the front door when I arrived”.

“Holy crap. What should we do with all the volunteers coming over to fix his kitchen?” “I’ll take care of the crew”, he said. “Let’s have you call the Rebuilding Together office and get some advice”. I rang up the local HQ and explained in a panic that ‘we’d fixed his wagon, not the kitchen’. They told me to stay put while they sent their attorney over to take a deposition. While awaiting the legal-eagle to arrive I started thinking once again about the desire to be helpful and the design of the SHAPE program we are presenting tonight. A few basic ideas came to mind.

  1. The road to hell is paved with good intentions
  2. Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong
  3. Murphy was an optimist
  4. No good deed goes unpunished

To this very day, still hear Warner, mumbling something about, ‘go help yourself’ as they rolled him out the door In the end, the whole mess sorted itself out. They pumped his stomach in the hospital, the crew built out the kitchen, the attorney got his statement and the Rebuilding Together program learned a thing or two about dealing with adversity in the mission of helping other people’s lives.

OK? Got the picture? The SHAPE system (a Self-Help Assessment Evaluation Program) is designed to make helpful people more successful with their mission. Unfortunately, things don’t always work out as planned. Remember that example, Klaatu the alien, in ‘The Day the Earth Stood Still’. He lands his spaceship on the DC mall and emerges with his sidekick, Gort to bring peace and harmony to our ragtag planet Earth. And what happens? He presents a harmless device as "a gift for the American President... to study life on other planets. The army guys shoot him, right? Nevermind, he’s a determined fellow (Klaatu Barada Nikto). At the end of the film he stops all electric power on Earth for 30 minutes to show what would happen if we humans threaten peace in space, Damn if the soldiers shoot him again. You just can’t win.

One, two, three, four. Work it out. Work it out. One, two, three, four. Get in SHAPE, Get in SHAPE. One, two, three, four. Are you fit? Are you fit? One, two, three, four. Help yourself. Get in SHAPE. Work it out. Try to see it my way and we can work it out. Get it? Here’s the deal – about that four-part SHAPE system, it turns out that the HELP we are assessing is really another acronym, word scramble and when properly sorted out leads us to the conclusion (almost) – Help stands for - ‘HUMANIZE EVERY LIVING PERSON’ (so Help me finish) -

If I wanted your assistance / I'd offer no resistance / Trying never to escape

I would take your HELP on Sunday / To my office on the Monday /And work to get in SHAPE.

I may not be the wizard / To fix or tame a blizzard / To keep us safe and warm

But with the HELP we are providing / We’ll take your shadow out of hiding / Give you shelter from the storm

If this story has a moral / To keep with you tomorrow /It’s a straight and simple song

Just SHAPE up your demeanor / To keep from getting meaner / Can’t we all just get along?

And that's the SHAPE we're in

ultimatum