To compete for prizes in front of our live studio audience, you potential contestants have been invited here to the universal ‘Hobo Jungle’ sound stage for a dry run and a simulation of that popular game show – “Who Wants to be a Homeless Person?” A few tips before we get started – please refrain from pandering during our rehearsal. No shenanigans, smoking, drinking or swearing are allowed. And for God’s sake – don’t just stand there – do nothing. Finally, all questions put to you must be answered in the time allowed. The clock’s already ticking so let’s get started.
When introduced by our host, master of ceremonies, Rocky Feller, state your name clearly, give a brief personal statement and if you know it, the GPS coordinates of the city blocks or territory you inhabit. For example, “Dempster Dumpster, scavenger and gleaner, Petticoat Junction” would be a good reply. “Boxcar Bertha, railroad denizen, Grand Central Station” is OK but “Darrell Licht, vagrant and freeloader, any street corner USA” is a bit too vague. Try “Wazee and 15th St. if you can’t remember your territory”. 39.753049 latitude,-105.0019142 longitude will get you extra points.
After our 1st commercial break (‘Mr. Clean gets rid of dirt and grime and grease in just a minute. Mr. Clean will clean your own house and everyone that’s in it. Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean), it’s time to play “Who Wants to be a Homeless Person?” so wait for the Applause sign to dim and give Rocky Feller your full attention as he reviews our game board. Categories for your questions might look like these – Cheap Wine, Midnight Choir, Outdoor Plumbing, Signage, Railroads, Campaign Slogans and ‘The Law’. You will each have a wheelbarrow of blank cardboard signs and a collection of multi-colored markers to write down your answers. Remember to keep your answers brief and directed to the questions at hand. Answers like ‘God Loves You’, ‘Homeless Vet’ and ‘I’ve Got a Family to Feed’ will win you no points. Let’s try a practice round –
Category – Cheap Wine. Music Plays – “Down in New Orleans where everything’s fine, all them people are socking that wine. Drinking wine is their delight and when they get drunk they’re goin’ to fight all night. Give me wine, wine wine spodiodie”. What’s a spodiodie? – Answer – A wine spodiodie is a shot that has a layer of Port Wine on the bottom, then a layer of (cheap) bourbon, finished on the top by another layer of Port.
Category – Midnight Choir – ‘That saved a bum like me’ comes from what gospel hymn? – Answer Amazing Grace.
Category – Campaign Slogans – What is the slogan of the Homeless Party? – Answer “Will be President for Food”.