Who Wants to be a Homeless Person?

Who Wants to be a Homeless Person?

To compete for prizes in front of our live studio audience, you potential contestants have been invited here to the universal ‘Hobo Jungle’ sound stage for a dry run and a simulation of that popular game show – “Who Wants to be a Homeless Person?”  A few tips before we get started – please refrain from pandering during our rehearsal. No shenanigans, smoking, drinking or swearing are allowed.  And for God’s sake – don’t just stand there – do nothing.  Finally, all questions put to you must be answered in the time allowed.  The clock’s already ticking so let’s get started.

When introduced by our host, master of ceremonies, Rocky Feller, state your name clearly, give a brief personal statement and if you know it, the GPS coordinates of the city blocks or territory you inhabit.  For example, “Dempster Dumpster, scavenger and gleaner, Petticoat Junction” would be a good reply.  “Boxcar Bertha, railroad denizen, Grand Central Station” is OK but “Darrell Licht, vagrant and freeloader, any street corner USA” is a bit too vague.  Try “Wazee and 15th St. if you can’t remember your territory”.  39.753049 latitude,-105.0019142 longitude will get you extra points.

After our 1st commercial break (‘Mr. Clean gets rid of dirt and grime and grease in just a minute.  Mr. Clean will clean your own house and everyone that’s in it.  Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean), it’s time to play “Who Wants to be a Homeless Person?” so wait for the Applause sign to dim and give Rocky Feller your full attention as he reviews our game board.  Categories for your questions might look like these –   Cheap Wine, Midnight Choir, Outdoor Plumbing, Signage, Railroads, Campaign Slogans and ‘The Law’.  You will each have a wheelbarrow of blank cardboard signs and a collection of multi-colored markers to write down your answers.   Remember to keep your answers brief and directed to the questions at hand.  Answers like ‘God Loves You’, ‘Homeless Vet’ and ‘I’ve Got a Family to Feed’ will win you no points.  Let’s try a practice round –

Category – Cheap Wine.  Music Plays – “Down in New Orleans where everything’s fine, all them people are socking that wine.  Drinking wine is their delight and when they get drunk they’re goin’ to fight all night.  Give me wine, wine wine spodiodie”.   What’s a spodiodie? – Answer – A wine spodiodie is a shot that has a layer of Port Wine on the bottom, then a layer of (cheap) bourbon, finished on the top by another layer of Port.

Category – Midnight Choir – ‘That saved a bum like me’ comes from what gospel hymn? – Answer Amazing Grace.

Category – Campaign Slogans – What is the slogan of the Homeless Party? – Answer “Will be President for Food”.

Great.  Now about those prizes you’re playing for.  Finalists in the round of champions will compete for rewards like

  • A monogrammed, freshly painted park bench with guaranteed newspaper delivery for a full year.
  • Personalized street corner signage and a direct deposit box for your daily tips and donations
  • The company of your friends at the Big Rock Candy Mountain resort (and rest home).

Good luck contestants.  Play hard, play fair and play to win.

Music outro plays in the ‘Hobo Jungle’ sound stage – homeless

Trailers for sale or rent
Rooms to let, fifty cents
No phone, no pool, no pets
I ain’t got no cigarettes

Ah, but two hours of pushin’ broom
Buys an eight by twelve four bit room
I’m a man of means by no means
King of the road

Third boxcar, midnight train
Destination, Bangor, Maine
Old worn out clothes and shoes
I don’t pay no union dues

I smoke old stogies I have found
Short, but not too big around
I’m a man of means by no means
King of the road

I know every engineer on every train
All of their children and all of their names
And every handout in every town
And every lock that ain’t locked
When no one’s around

I sing, trailers for sale or rent
Rooms to let, fifty cents
No phone, no pool, no pets
I ain’t got no cigarettes

King of the Road – Roger Miller

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